untitled breakup

cuz cry-bebe-chan wanted me to post some shit. here's something i tried, an idea i had. it's a little rough, and i don't know how well i like it.

God it's so fucking cold out here. Sure, he's got a couple more minutes to show up, but I'm freezing my nips out here. How can it get this cold in Texas? I can't even justify buying clothes I can only where like two fucking weeks a year. God the couch looks warm. Is it the curtains that make my couch so inviting? I'm glad I decided on that pattern. I don't think their too fucking Christmassy.

You're cursing too much. You know that you've needed to do this for weeks. You've decided to be an adult about this and pull the trigger in person.

Yeah, I know. I just wish it wasn't so hard.

Look, it is cold; nobody'll be out tonight. You won't have to worry about him making a scene; the cold should keep him from being to upset. Plus, you've got Netflix waiting for you literally 10 feet away.

Oh my God yes. I absolutely adore Billy Connolly. Absolutely the most charming zombie ever. God. At least there's one good thing that came out of this relationship.

Stop. You need to be strong. You're smart and independent, and you can't waste your time with him.

I know, I know.

Is that him? Probably. I need to take a hold of myself. Deep breathes. Damn it's cold.

Yeah, that's his car stopping right in front of me. What the hell is he wearing? A hoodie? He's gonna get sick. God he's so oblivious.

"Hey babe! You ready for our zombie Christmas?"

That easy smile he always has for me makes this so hard. He doesn't give it to anyone else, and I know he didn't have it before we got together...

No, don't think that way. be strong.

"Hi. Actually we--"

God he's warm. He's always warm. Sometimes it's uncomfortable, but not now. And he always kisses me too hard, like he doesn't know how to hold back even a little. Like a drowning man. But it does feel good...

Stop! You're only enjoying it because you're cold. Be strong!!!.

Yes. Strong. Let me catch my breath again. "Listen we need to talk. I know this is the worst timing in the world..." There it is, he can see where this is going. It looks weird to see the mist come from his nose. It looks like he's starting to breathe faster. This isn't going to go well. Come on. I'm strong. Clean break. Clean break. "...I don't think we should see each other anymore."

"But why? What happened? What did I do?" Of course he doesn't understand. Why can't he just accept? Why do I have to explain? Doesn't he know how hard this is? God he's oblivious. "Listen, let's go inside and talk about this."

"There's nothing to talk about." Please understand. Please please please just understand and go. What's he looking at? There's nothing down the street. Is he about to cry? I know it hurts, but it's better this way.

"Fine. You're right, of course." Is that flash of teeth suppose to be a smile? Is he gone already? This is what I wanted, right?

"We can still be friends, right? Maybe not right now..." No, he wasn't about to cry. I don't think I've ever seen him angry, but he looks very angry now.

"Friends? I don't think so. You don't know how much I hate what you've done tonight."

What the hell? He didn't even give me a chance to respond before he drove away. But this is what I wanted. Fuck it's cold.

whiteboard dump 2

these are a lot older than the previous dump, and are all of what i've found. wow, looking at these, they're pretty rough. but hey, they can't all be winners, and at least i'm posting something.

hot and heavy tears salt my still lips.

my life is an alanis morissette song. (maybe a magnolia style story, base on alanis music)

i know what i want, but i can't reach it.
i will settle if i have to.
i'm still a fool.
would i condemn anyone to me?

i'm mad that you aren't
and hurt that you won't
i say its the last time
but i know that i don't

loneliness is the long race to the grave, and love is just a speed bump

i still want to point the finger.

i'm glad it was you | if not you, then someone else

on not saying a word: i hold no illusions of what i would be for you. as it is, i can only promise that you will never be alone.

its the wanting
the needing
the empty feeling
that leaves you thinking
life's not worth living
or its the having
but knowing
the love that you're showing
is a mask that you wear
that hides how little you care

no matter where it comes from, the message isn't important. what's important is the interpretation, and that interpretation is completely up to you. you decide what you get out of that message.

i recognize the difference between
what i want and what i need
you, i want
but this, i don't need
either you afraid
i'll understand
or you don't care
i won't either

when you look at me,
what do you see?
do you see what you say
or am i just
a shadow on the wall
how would you know?

you crush my heart
i lose my breath
you crush my soul
i lose my faith

i don't expect anything.
i don't deserve anything.
everything i own: i've earned.
everything i get: i've won.
i have nothing.

would you ignore opportunity just because its not the one you thought you always wanted? would you drop the one you have for the one you thought you always wanted?

your affection is an affectation

whiteboard dump 1

if you're willing to delude yourself, why hesitate over believing an outright lie?

reason ain't alone in this head. she's got some rowdy company tonight.

writing in the dark

i've spent so much time
trying to catch up
but now it seems like
you've fallen behind me
i'm not used to what i'm seeing
now that you're not what i'm chasing
i'm just coasting, hoping
i'm still heading for something

i don't see you everywhere. that's not you, not your face, not your body. that's just some random girl wearing that shirt you stole at a pool party we crashed last summer, the one you'd always wear, daring someone to call you out. even when i do see you, i don't think about early mornings together, looking on you with only what light made it through the curtains, while you breathed your secrets onto my neck.

what if...

...instead of writing posts, i post my old white board word doodles? yeah, that sounds good. i'm gonna post my board dumps. (yes, that's what i call them.) basically when an idea or phrase persists in my mind, forcing my attention, i write it to my whiteboard so i can move on. when my whiteboard is full, or i need the space, i dump those notes to a notepad. maybe i'll do something with them. we'll see.

oh, and i killed the project blog, since school's started and i ain't done shit with it. yeah i know i'm going to hell, whatever.

knock knock

ok, three months (minus one week) since my last post. just fyi.

thinking 'bout doing a blog to accompany my new, more organized, personal projects. building my software portfolio, per se. these don't include the writing projects, which will remain here (when they go off hiatus).

done. project page here. first thing you'll notice is that i capitalize a lot more. anyways, it still needs setting up, which i'll get to next week, after my final.

i've got a bit of writing on my whiteboard. maybe i'll post that. later.

that has never happened before i swear

blah blah blah i've written like tons of stuff in the last week to post here, and it's all been crap to my eyes. felt like busy work. thanx.

i'll write when i feel like it. suppose i can dump my stuff here 'til then.

the value of illusion
genre mixing (with regards to darla's world)
giant robots in general
i hate vampire kids

some latex constructs

here are some common constructs i use that i find myself frequently looking up. the first is the parallel symbol used in the Kullback-Leibler divergence. just using a pair of vertical bars squeezes the arguments together, but the \parallel puts the necessary space before and after the bars. below is the definition of skewed Kullback-Leibler divergence.

D_{SKL}(p,q) = D_{KL}\left(p \parallel \gamma p + (1-\gamma)q\right)

a similar problem occurs with conditional probabilities. \mid takes care of that. the next example uses Bayes' theorem, with a little \frac business for flavor.

P(A \mid B)=\frac{P(B \mid A)P(A)}{P(B)}

i use an old homework to show how to used the cases environment. each line can have only 1 &, which separating the result and the condition. not that the "amsmath" package needs to be loaded, or else you'll get funky "Misplaced alignment tab character &" errors. i use the \text command to get normal script in the math environment. (in the homework, i was referring to Prototype-driven grammar induction, by Haghighi and Klein)

P(p_{ij} \mid X) =
\begin{cases}
0.6                &    \text{if $p_{ij}=X$}\\
\text{uniform}    &    \text{otherwise}
\end{cases}

that's it for now. if any latex stuff comes up, and i think it's interesting (or that i might need it for future reference), i'll be posting.

latex

so, as a result of my total immersion approach to \LaTeX for the last couple of semesters, i've grown rather fond of the typesetting system.

actually, i've wanted to post a couple of items about latex, or at least that included latex. that blogger doesn't handle latex natively has held me back, though. that and laziness. (the internet was all the way over there, and i was all the way over here.)

but i finally searched and found something to facilitate the scratching of this itch. yourequations.com provides a javascript latex render. color me excited. so, here's me stretching my muscles:

{n \choose k} \left( r(1-r)^{g-1} \right)^k \left( \sum_{i=0}^{n-k} {n-k \choose i} (1-r)^{ig} \left( r^2(1-r)^{g-2} \right) ^{n-k-i} \right)

this added ability has also necessatated an update of the blog's look. i liked the black background, but i'll survive.

of course, i say that i'll post more often, but this is in no way suggestive of actual change, nor is it in any way legally binding.

people or powers?

another sleepless night. i could read, as if i'd get anything out of it. so i'll write something instead. it'll be a little stream of thought.

i saw push the other day. i enjoyed it. it was entertaining and pretty. i have yet to see what's so great about dakota fanning, but that's beside the point.

it seems to me that there's a lot of stuff featuring super-powered people with real lives. ok not really a lot, but plenty enough. so i'm thinking about the different aspects of these different offerings, and what's important and what's not and whatever. i come to the conclusion that perhaps the central (assuredly subconscious) consideration for stories of this genre is whether the people or the powers are more important. the idea generalizes to other genres too; for example, with respect to sci-fi, are the people or the technology more important.

i don't think placing more importance on one necessarily takes away from the other. nor do i believe that a preference for either is necessarily better. perhaps some examples are in order.

• x men is definitely about the powers. there is the obligatory talking, "character development", but we just want to see wolverine kick someone's ass and storm fly through a big ol' thunderstorm, sending lightning bolts into the bad guys.
  
• batman (with bale) is more about the people. the powers (if they can be called that; mostly toys i guess) tend to be (spectacular) extensions of each person's character.

i couldn't really come up with a third example. i wanted something that balanced people and power that wasn't lord of the rings.

i suppose, ideally, a balance should be sought.when they're well done, powers are the shiny glitter that gets people interested in a story, and people are what keep people interested in it. it might be a cop-out to just shift gears between people parts and power parts. at least i think so.

i'm not saying to do away with strictly people parts or power parts. i'm suggesting that some effort should be made to tie the character development to the use of powers. for instance:

• the character learns a secret he could not have learned had he not used his power
• the mere fact of having a power changes the character's personality and/or how everyone sees him
• the nature/effectiveness of the character's power changes as he grows
• the character despises his power and/or refuses to use it

of course, these ideas could be handle in an unbalanced way. but to get any balance, it's necessary to make at least some link between the person and the power.

if we ever move again on the rule of three, i think i'll keep more of an eye out for this balance. i think so far we've done well, but it's been a while.

so, whacha doing?

i should find a way to distinguish which entries are for which project. this entry, for instance, is more of a journal entry than a project update.

so, what have i been doing? well, when i'm not reading for school, i'm reading Nausea. It's a short book (only a couple hundred pages), but it's a slow read. a crazy person who's always referring to french places is just a little hard to follow.

also been wasting a bunch of time on facebook playing mafia wars. i don't know why, but it's pretty addictive. i can't wait till i get tired of the game. it's basically a dressed up numbers game, so i don't expect to in it's thrall much longer. Check this, and this.

a new distraction is making demands on my attention. not much to say, since i haven't started, but i'm thinking about learning to draw. for real. i'm thinking about buying supplies next time i'm on campus.

as far as writing goes, not really feeling it. i'm basically on hold until rodd finishes the first draft of the screenplay. i tried to do something on another project (darla's world), but there's a ton of work to do there: political environment, religion, alternate ontologies, etc. soooooo, that's gonna come as it comes.

setting sketch: darla's world

this project is something i've had at the back of my mind for years (since around '98 or '99). i came up with it as an attempt to create something truly original. though i can't say that it's very original, there are some aspects that i haven't (consciously) seen elsewhere, and i really liked it. so it's become my 'when there's nothing for me to do for harriot' project.

alright, with the exception of the name of the immortal leaders of the world, i've finally finished this sketch of the history of the world leading up to darla's introduction. i'm still unhappy with how i've described some things (especially soul, since it's more of an intuitive idea), but at least i've something down. maybe later i'll spend some time just explaining the mechanics of the world. i'm also looking forward to introducing the painted mages (tease).

let me reintroduce the concept. darla lives in a post-post-apocalyptic hyborian world rich in magic, with the potential for the incorporation of ancient, unknown technologies used in ways other than intended, and the appearance of an advanced, technologically society.

essentially, darla is a post apocalyptic conan of magic destined to face the forgotten sci-fi overlords of the previous age. the only thing missing is zombies, but i'm sure i can work that in somewhere. oh, and there is no such thing as vampires, dammit.

hundreds of years ago, medical technology reached its pinnacle with the development of the "nostrum regimen", a series of treatments that were capable of extending human life almost indefinitely. naturally, this technology was hoarded by the powerful and the influential. they eventually became the permanent leaders of the world, the _____.

portions of the nostrum regimen were leaked to the public; though not enough to grant the apparent immortality enjoyed by the _____, the improvement in general health cause the world's population to explode. the earth was unable to support the weight of humanity, and for more reasons than simple scarcity of resources.

human nature is supported by the existence of soul, or life force, which is tied to the earth. soul is akin to what has historically been referred to as the collective consciousness, except that it is necessary for life (all living things tap into the earthly store to some extent) and grants humanity the attributes that make it the highest form of life on earth (since humans have greater capacity for soul then any other creature). however, the earth has only a finite supply of soul, and as humanity filled the planet, that supply became strained.

social institutions collapsed, chaos spread, and the _____ saw these events as evidence of their superiority, but conditions deteriorated to the point that the _____ feared even their strongholds could no longer protect them. they launched themselves into space and left humanity to it's fate.

and that fate was to collapse in on itself. without even the semblance of leadership provided by the presence of the ____, the mindless violence that erupted nearly destroyed humanity utterly. out of the dissipating conflagration, survivors began to converge and rebuild. only a few million people remained worldwide. because of this sudden drop in population, the extreme demands on the earth ceased, freeing massive amounts of soul.

because of this the earth quickly reclaimed the land. All manner of natural disasters toppled the constructs of man, which were swallowed up by the earth and sea and replaced by vegetation that grew as if to deny that any previous civilization existed. Even new species grew, some showing signs of intelligence and unusual abilities. the resurgence of plant life was paralleled in animals and humans, but much more slowly in the latter. some beings began to manifest powers out of legend, including control over the elemental forces of nature, and of the mind and body, beyond the interface granted by their physical bodies. this phenomenon was not restricted to humans. all humans seemed to show at least some capacity for using powers, where other species only rarely demonstrated any powers at all. there was no correlation between the frequency of occurrence and the strength of powers, however.

the fall of men, and the resulting resurgence, was thereafter known as 'the world's rebirth'. universally, and almost subconsciously, the new abilities being born were called 'magic'.

in the centuries since the world was reborn, humanity has regained its sense of civilization, and has even begun to learn about and understand the new rules that govern nature and magic. the world is still primitive, and there are still humans who thirst for power, some armed with uncovered ancient technology. and the ____ are still alive, preparing to return and exercise their rightful dominion over the world using the full knowledge of the age before the rebirth.

late rant

so. i haven't felt much inspired to write, nor have i had anything i felt was worth posting. but it's 4am friday morning, i can't get to sleep, and blah, this is better than lying in bed for another couple hours.

they say if you want something done, have a busy person do it. well, the converse is also true. don't expect a person with nothing to do to do anything. that may be the true sign of age: the inability to appreciate free time. here i am, with nothing to do, and i'm sick of it. and it ain't even that i have nothing going on in the academic/secular way, which i don't. meh.

my lack of motivation is epic. apathy, despondence, with a dash of bitter...

wow. god, that was a bit of mental apoplexy. glad this ain't no video blog. or a telepathic blog. so, uh, as i was saying...

what's getting to me? nothing. absofuckinglutely nothing.